Womanly Chats: Exploring Self-Pleasure
Womanly Chats
Issue No. 5: Stressed Out!
Words - Attia Taylor & Jackie Ackeifi
Illustration - Singha Hon
Jackie Ackeifi is an advocate for women’s sensuality, sexuality, and self-expression. She is a graduate of Syracuse University and the New York University Steinhardt School of Culture, Education, and Human Development. She provides sexual and reproductive health education to individuals and organizations, and is currently the Strategic Initiatives Manager at Planned Parenthood of New York City (PPNYC).
Jackie dedicates herself to helping people to break free of societal expectations and inherited shame related to their sexuality and pleasure. She works to ensure that people have accurate information about sexual health and self pleasure. We sat down with Jackie to discuss the importance of open conversations about self pleasure and the stress relieving potential of masturbation.
Attia Taylor: How does masturbation help with stress relief?
Jackie Ackeifi: Masturbation can improve self-esteem, body image, help us sleep at night, and strengthen the pelvic floor. It can also relieve menstrual cramps or any sexual tension. Masturbation is also very safe - if you’re the only one touching yourself, there is very low risk of acquiring an STI or experiencing unintended pregnancy. The only way these things could occur during masturbation is if you are using a toy that was recently used by someone with an STI, or if there is semen on your hands or body from someone else.
If you're self-pleasuring and something emotional comes up for you in that experience, or you feel your body shut down in some way, it may not be a “stress relieving activity" in that moment. You might cry or there might be other reactions that you weren't expecting. Our bodies are immense. The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings and it’s most well known purpose is to experience sensations that many people find pleasurable. But I think it's also important to acknowledge that many of us have shame and trauma connected to our bodies, and all of that may impact how we may experience pleasure, sensation, or even the experience of interacting with our own bodies in intimate ways. So is masturbation going to lead to stress relief? It certainly can, and for many people it does. But I think it's also important to think about masturbation multi-dimensionally.
AT: What are some ways that people can approach masturbation in new ways?
JA: I would recommend a variety of things. First, explore your relationship to pleasure and physical sensation, generally. When do you allow yourself to actually experience pleasure throughout your day? When do you allow yourself to feel good? What is your physical relationship with yourself in non-sexual contexts? How do you feel about your body, what it does, and what you would like it to do? How do you nurture, think about, and value your body on a daily, ongoing basis? All of this is part of being able to create experiences of pleasure for ourselves. Daily experiences of pleasure can also serve as its own form of personal foreplay. If you are new to masturbation or self-pleasuring, it helps to explore solo foreplay in a more physical, sexual way as well. It can help you figure out how to turn yourself on. Perhaps you get turned by different forms of touch or experiences than when you are with a partner. Taking time to experiment with that can be a fun and enjoyable journey.
You also don’t have to use toys right away, unless you really want to. If you are new to masturbation, or new to self pleasuring, there are so many different ways that you can touch your body. You can use circles, you can tap or pinch. You can slide your fingers up and down on different parts of your body. You can hover and not even touch your skin, teasing yourself. You don't only need to go straight to touching your genitals. That's not the only way to pleasure yourself and that’s not the only way to start. You can start with your neck, your arms, your legs. Then you can go to your inner thigh and so on. Eventually, you can get to more erotic zones, like your breasts and nipples. Mix it up, do what works for you. As you start engaging in self-pleasuring, let yourself discover your body and what you like at a pace that feels comfortable to you.
AT: Perhaps you have vaginal dryness or a hard time getting started. What are some things you can use to make masturbating more comfortable?
JA: If you’re using condoms, it’s important to always use water-based lubricant, as oil based lubricants can cause condoms to break, but you can use a wider variety of lubricants if you’re just using your fingers. Natural oil-based lubricants like coconut oil, olive oil, or grapeseed oil can be an option for self-pleasuring. Always check lubricant ingredients to avoid any issues with allergies. Again, oil-based lubricants should not be used if condoms are involved.
Arousal looks so different for everyone. You can try a variety of things. Some people like to watch porn or read erotica. Some people like a partner to say or do certain things to or for them that turn them on. Some people work out, dance, or move physically in some intentional way and get turned on from the energy moving through their bodies. You can use fantasy and think about things that bring you pleasure. All sorts of things can help us turn on - hearing certain types of music, eating certain foods, certain scents. Environment may also play a role like the comfort of a private, warm, cozy room. It’s different for everyone, but there are lots of fun ways to explore what works well for you when you want to feel more comfortable or aroused in your self-pleasuring.
AT: There's so much stigma around masturbation, whether it’s from your religion, community, culture, or identity. How can we break through that feeling of shame and fear of wrong-doing?
JA: You are so right that we have a deep cultural history that denies and stigmatizes pleasure. That is patriarchal, that is anti-Black, that is white-supremacist. And so the fact that we are experiencing shame is not surprising. It comes from generational trauma that is embodied, and also just part of our cultural narrative. Many of our parents were not particularly informed, nor were they necessarily encouraging us to explore our bodies through self-pleasuring. Even comprehensive sex education often doesn't include the topic of masturbation in affirming ways. I think there should be no gendered expectations about how you masturbate and yet there are.
To combat this shame and stigma, talk to your friends about masturbating. What works for them? What sex toys do they go to? Many of us don't have those conversations with our friends. I would encourage people of all ages to have those conversations with people that they love and trust.
AT: Everyone's body is different and our reactions are different. I want this interview to clear up the stigma around masturbation being harmful, because we know for a fact that it’s just not true.
JA: No, it's not harmful. Just don't hurt yourself. Approach it from the space of “does this still feel good to me?” If it doesn't feel good, then stop doing it. Not only is it not harmful, it actually helps you get in touch with your body so you can see if your body is changing. For example, if your level of lubrication or your discharge is changing, or you notice that there's a different smell, this could be information that leads to finding out really important information about your health, and a nurse or doctor can help you determine that. The bottom line is, your pleasure is important and you deserve joy. Exploring your sexuality by yourself can be a really affirming and positive way to practice self-love and care.
