I’m 40 and my partner is 50. I’m black, she is white, and we are gay. Our story is no different than any love story except it's ours. My partner and I discussed in great length the responsibilities in dating outside our race and what that would entail for both of us. So when my friend of almost ten years asked me, “How can you be Pro-Black and be in an interracial relationship?” I paused before I answered and asked if I could take a few moments. I wanted to give her the most honest and substantial answer I could come up with. I figured I needed about 90 seconds to think. 

Rather than being offended, I was invested in her inquiry. I felt the topic should be discussed and without defense; I welcomed the dialogue. I figured had my ego signaled an internal or external battle I would have listened, but it didn’t. 80 seconds left. 

I wondered, did all my friends of color feel this way as well? Was my Black card being revoked because I was dating someone outside of my race? I knew that there would be outside perspectives from strangers but their opinion need not matter. I was attempting to define my Pro-Blackness and my love for myself and my race. 75 seconds left. 

I love being Black, I love my dark skin, and I love my 4c hair. I would not exchange one of these features or my flavor for anything. But that answer felt superficial; 70 seconds. 

I would have to accept how I was now being viewed. After years of striving towards my own Black excellence, I felt I had achieved it in my own right. And now, my Blackness might be questioned. 60 seconds to go. 

Was I now impersonating characteristics that now differed from whom I was prior to dating someone outside of my race? 57 seconds. That was not me, and never could be. I am a seeker of our soulful tribes and glutton for our decadent seasoning. I am never too proud to beg, so thrilled that God chose me to have brown skin and formed each crinkle in my hair. When it is my time to meet my maker I want to come back looking just the same; only with less trauma and general pain. I’ve known this, always. 55 seconds. 

I understood the confusion and conflict and leaned into it rather than trying to neglect it. I wanted to convey that I was still very much for the culture. I remained patient as my love was my focus and we strengthened our union, and moved past the uncertainties that come with seeking acceptance. 50 seconds. 

Do I share what I think feels like the right answer or do I just continue to reveal the many layers of being Black, gay, and in an interracial relationship in 2021. My relationship reflects my love to the world, and my race is who I am in the world. I allowed time to pass in search of a suitable answer. 45 seconds. 

I knew one thing was certain, that while the world was going through an upheaval of its own I was granted a love of my own. 30 seconds left. 

Pro-Black absolutely without question, but I knew now holding hands with someone who was not could put into question my past testimony. Though I knew my relationship would require the most unique amount of care, love, and consideration. 

Next was the more defensive thought, wanting to prove myself and wanting to explain that the question did hurt my feelings because I was not prepared to answer. 25 seconds. 

This question brought up the old feeling that I didn’t fit in, having my Blackness questioned because of the way I talk and where I grew up. Then later feeling like I had to prove my hue and my lineage, announcing to my unlicensed speech therapists that Richard Wright was a second cousin to my grandmother, Suewilla Wright of Mississippi. James Baldwin lived in my mother’s house after her parents moved out while he was teaching at UMass in the 1970s or how I was standing on the shoulders of greatness and that my grandfather was a member of Omega Psi Phi better known as a “Q” and went to Lincoln University. 20 seconds. 

My great grandma would press my hair in her kitchen but once I arrived home, I sought comfort in the hairstyle that felt most like me. I would run upstairs and turn on the bath and take a long swim to get my hair back to its natural state. 

I spent the last 25 years building a career that celebrates our crowns and our glory, from 4C to 1. I have had the honor of pouring juices and berries into the scalps and coils of anyone my hands would allow. In spite of my age, I choose to embody the fearlessness and fierceness of Generation Z. They silence the noise and move with intention by enforcing change and holding the generations before them accountable. Be clear with your words and be mindful of your present actions. 

I knew I needed to give her an answer, not for her, but for myself. Who I am as a Black woman could never be interrupted by choosing a love that looks different from me. We face racial challenges that require us both to understand the gravity of choosing each other. 20 seconds.

There is no rock for us to live under in 2023 and that I relish. The honesty that one must walk when choosing love over anything convenient is powerful as its own teaching. As a gay couple, we are a part of our small community, but that community becomes even smaller when you choose someone from a different background, so to speak. Only recently are we seeing more advertisements with couples who look like us. I know the impact of imagery from my own childhood, and its causes and effects. 15 seconds. 

Then it came to me: I am Pro-Love and what that means to me is that by any means necessary I choose love. 10 seconds. 

No matter the race or the creed, too many of us miss out on love because “we know what we want.” I almost did. I became more secure, accepting that our love is not for everyone to understand or embrace. It is far too special and precious for naysayers to have a stake in. 5 seconds. 

The imaginary chairmen who were trying to revoke my membership in Blackness because of my partnership did not exist; that was only my subconscious, conflicted. I remembered that those strangers on the street and their opinions need not matter from either side. I chose empathy as a practice, to embrace those whose pain ran deep in judgements. I knew all along that we as a couple would have to rise above and move in grace. 4,3,2,1. 

I looked over to my friend and said, I am Pro-Love.

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About the Author

Rebecca Woodfork has long desired to give vision to her voice through her writing. She is embarking on this pivot with passion, as she is currently working on her first novel. Rebecca has been a filmmaker for the last twenty years. She enjoys finding new ways to be creative, and discovering new artists and their chosen medium. Rebecca and her wife Jennifer Ziegler reside in Manhattan.

About the Artist

Dongyan Xu is an award-winning illustrator currently based in Baltimore, Maryland. She received an MFA in Illustration Practice, a BFA in Illustration, and a Certificate for College Teaching of Art from the Maryland Institute College of Art. Dongyan works in two art styles rich in lines and textures. Her work explores the topics of mental wellness, individual emotions, and relationships between people and animals.