Beginner's Guide to Kink and BDSM: Tips and Advice for Exploring Your Sexual Boundaries
Words by Rebecca Carvalho
Photograph by Cheyenne M. Davis
Silenced but Free by Cheyenne M. Davis
If you’re interested in diving into the waters or at least dipping a toe into the world of kink, including BDSM, know you’re not alone. When a quick Google search turns up images of dungeons, whips, chains, and things that might make you blush, it’s hard not to feel lost. Here’s what you need to know before diving into the deep end.
Note: This is a beginner’s guide, and remember that dynamics vary from person to person.
What does BDSM stand for?
BDSM has been around for a long time — from ancient Mesopotamia to the kama sutra. Accepting that our ancestors — no matter the part of the globe — have participated in aspects of BDSM is just one way to help feel like you’re part of a greater community.
BDSM stands for Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Masochism. To help break this down, we’re going to describe these acronyms in a slightly different order:
Dominance and Submission: BDSM is built on different power dynamics between dominants — those who dominate or take primary control — and submissives — those who submit to the dominant party’s will. Dominant and submissive power dynamics can only exist when both parties consent to the dynamic. Dominance can be as simple as telling a submissive what to do or as subtle as talking dirty. Those who may want to be bossed around in the bedroom or want to be told what to do may align with being more submissive. Those who like to switch between these two roles are called just that — switches! And remember, communication is key.
Bondage and Discipline: Bondage is the act of tying someone up with materials like rope or even a set of handcuffs, or being tied up to experience sexual pleasure. Discipline is a consensual way of “punishing” a submissive when they willfully break a rule. It can be a range of punishments, determined by the dynamic at play. It can be anything from spanking to humiliating and inflicting pain (that’s where sadomasochism comes in!)
Sadism and Masochism: S&M (shout out to Rihanna, always) involves Sadism (inflicting pain) and Masochism (receiving pain) for gratification. This pain could be flogging, spanking, or choking.
No matter how you explore the above, communication, safety, and consent are key. Talking about what works, what doesn’t work, and how to explore these new dynamics together needs to stay top of mind. Whether you’re ready to break out a whip for the first time or are exploring some new dirty talk fantasies, here are some definitions and tips to make sure communication, safety, and consent are present at every step.
What’s Kink?
“Conventional” sex and kink are two sides of the sex coin. Conventional sex is also known as “vanilla sex” in the BDSM community. Though meant to evoke boring, basic sex, vanilla sex isn’t any less exciting than those explored through BDSM dynamics. Vanilla is warm, rich, and subtle, so if you decide that kink isn’t for you, you should not feel ashamed.
Breaking away from what sex should be or from what society at larger deems appropriate falls under “kink.” Kinks are non-conventional ways to explore sexuality and sex. Remember that kink is subjective — what may be kinky for you may be someone else’s bread and butter.
Think of BDSM as a subcategory of kink. Exploring dynamics within BDSM typically means exploring different types of kinks, but you can have kinks that aren’t considered part of the BDSM world. Role playing and body worship, for example, are some kinks that don’t fall under BDSM but can have elements of BDSM. More on that below.
Kink vs. Fetish
Kinks and fetish are often used interchangeably. Kinks are the broad spectrum of sexual interests, but a fetish is a bit more specific. A fetish is a specific fixation on an act or an object to experience pleasure and have difficulty being aroused without these fetishes in place.
The Basics of BDSM…
No matter how you identify, the basics of BDSM all come down to safety, consent, trust, and communication. The terms we’re about to explore might seem aggressive and intimidating, but it’s key to remember that BDSM lies on a spectrum. Much like human sexuality and expression, what BDSM includes is determined by who’s participating. In the same way that sexuality and identity can change and evolve, so can your kinks.
A few terms to know:
Safe word: One of the most important parts of BDSM is establishing a safe word. A safe word is a word you or your partner can use to stop whatever you’re exploring to check in with each other.
Red/yellow/green: Related to establishing a safe word, these are terms you can use to help your partner gauge specific boundaries. Red can be to stop (and double as your safe word), Yellow means to slow down or to dial back whatever is happening, and green is a sign that things are going smoothly. All parties, no matter the power dynamic, can use these terms to check in with each other throughout play.
Play: Physical and mental interactions between partners that allow them to explore their boundaries safely.
Scene: An interaction between parties that involves a consensual power exchange within BDSM.
Switch: Someone with dominant and submissive tendencies and can switch between both.
Voyeur: Someone who enjoys watching others engage in sexual activities.
Experimentalist: Those who are eager to try new things within the kink community. They approach things with a healthy amount of curiosity and vigor.
Exhibitionist: Someone who has a sexual preference for having sex or being naked in front of others.
Rope play: Sensual or sexual activities involving tying up a person or people with rope. Someone who enjoys tying someone up with ropes is known as a rigger.
Top: Someone who is typically in a dominant role.
Bottom: Someone who is typically in a submissive role.
Aftercare: When those involved in a scene take care of each other’s physical and emotional needs after a scene wraps. BDSM scenes can be intense, and this is a vital part of making sure that everyone involved has their needs met and heard.
Ready to explore? Keep these tips in mind
Berlin-based Sex Educator and co-founder of Fraulila.de, Nina Nguyen, specializes in working with the LGBTQIA+ community. Her first step?
Find someone who gets it.
“It’s important to find a partner who respects and understands your gender identity, sexual orientation, and any related boundaries or preferences you may have.”
Communication is crucial, so be sure to discuss your identity and related concerns or needs with your partner before starting any BDSM activities.
Ensure that any BDSM spaces or events are inclusive and welcoming to people who share your identity. “You don't want to end up in the wrong place with the wrong vibe when you're going to a sex club, particularly a BDSM club, on your first night of exploring a new fantasy.”
Safety first: “Safety first, always. Prioritize safety by using safe words, checking in with your partner regularly, and having safety tools nearby.”
Start simple: “Start with simple activities and gradually build up to more intense ones as you become more comfortable,” says Ngyuen. “Always communicate with your partner about your limits, boundaries, and desires.”
Find someone you trust: “Find a trustworthy partner, this is key. Make sure you engage in BDSM activities with someone you trust and who 100% respects your boundaries and limits.”
Being Kind to Yourself
Love yourself first: It sounds cliché, but it’s true. To healthily dive into BDSM, check in with yourself and your needs, before exploring these dynamics with others. Being honest with yourself will ultimately help you be as transparent as possible during these scenes.
Trying something new: If something you try doesn’t turn you on or make you feel the way you want, acknowledge the fact you took a risk and that learning what works and doesn’t work for you is part of the journey.
It’s okay if fantasies fall flat: One thing you may discover while exploring aspects of kink is that something you had planned or fantasized in your head may not be what appeals to you in real life. Be patient with yourself as you safely explore these dynamics and remember it’s okay to admit yourself if something may have been hotter in your head than in reality.
Under pressure? The beauty of a true BDSM dynamic is that it’s built on open communication and trust. If you’re not feeling it, remember your safe words and remember you never have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with and can leave the scene at any time.
If you’re looking to indulge in your kinks or explore some aspects of BDSM, know that — as long as you’re working within dynamics based on communication, trust, and safety — it’s okay to fall through the looking glass and see what you’ll discover on the other side.
About the Photographer
Cheyenne M. Davis (they/them/theirs) is a journalist, digital content creator, podcaster, photographer, and aspiring screenwriter looking to craft screenplays and digital content that are inclusive and highlight fat, BIPOC characters and perspectives. A graduate of the master’s program in Media Studies at The New School and an adjunct instructor at NYU, some topics that they often explore in their work includes media representation, nerd fandoms, sex, kink, fat liberation, LGBTQIA, misogynoir, Black Pleasure and how all these things intersect. Some of Davis’ inspirations come from fat, Black social media influencers and kink activists that fight against white supremacy in the community. Aside from their creative pursuits, Davis is a cat mom and video game and anime aficionado. Davis’ main goal is to use their creative works as the vehicle to drive the conversation in unpacking toxicity and lack of diversity and inclusivity in media.
“Silenced but Free is a self-photographed image that was taken down by Instagram in April 2021, the piece was created to symbolize my self expression as a fat, Black femme and how I’ve embraced my sexual and kink identities. Because of the censorship, it has gained another layer of meaning, simultaneously representing how people who look and exist similarly to me have been ostracized and oppressed because of our bodies and other intersections. This photo is an act of resistance against digital oppressive forces and a call for other fat, Black femmes to showcase and embrace their deepest and truest selves.”
