For the past two years, the Asian American Feminist Collective has been hosting the Sex + Love Talk Circle in NYC. “This is a Valentine's Day event where we gather Asian American femmes, women, and nonbinary folks to talk all things sex, love, desire, fantasy, kink, relationships, seduction, and more - all in a safe and affirming environment,” says AAFC member Senti Sojwal. Senti and a few other AAFC members answered some questions on sexual health, education, and pleasure. 

 

WM: Tell us why you started the Asian American Feminist Collective. 

Senti Sojwal: We started organizing our communities in the aftermath of Trump’s election in 2016. We were seeing a surge of feminist activism and ideals, but little that actually represented our communities and intersecting identities as people of color, women, immigrants, queer people, organizers, and leftists. What began as a more informal workshop series/grassroots collaborations across NYC,  exploring topics like mental health, Asian American political leadership, and women of color organizing history, blossomed into our formal launch as a political collective in 2018. Today, we engage in intersectional feminist politics grounded within our communities through public events and resource sharing, collaborations with cultural and academic institutions and community partners, our zines , storytelling projects , and more. 

 

WM: When did AAFC start the Sex + Love Talk Circle, and what motivated/inspired the idea? 

Senti Sojwal: I had gone to a feminist Talk Circle event sometime in 2017 that focused on opening space to talk frankly and openly about reproductive health in a caring environment. I really fell in love with this form of community dialogue. The concept of a Talk Circle has deep roots in Indigenous and Native American communities, and traditionally uses a structural framework to build relationships and to address conflict within a community. But Talk Circles serve other purposes too: to create safe spaces, build connections, and allow community members to learn from one another. They’re actually a tool often used in restorative justice spaces, and the “rules” generally entail that one person speaks at a time, that all have a chance to share, and that we listen with sincerity and intention. Sexuality is a fraught topic regardless of the community you come from, but at AAFC our vision of feminist praxis is sex-positive and celebratory, and I was thinking a lot about how critical it would feel to open up space to talk about sexuality, love, relationships, and desire in a space  intended for Asian American women and queer people. Even though we’re growing more sex positive as a culture, we continue to see white women centered in the movement for sexual liberation, as in most feminist discourse. We wanted to open up space for our community to explore these topics together, with honesty and joy, in a non-judgemental environment. We asked questions like, how do your racial and sexual identities intersect? How do you identify your sexual values? What kinds of conversations about sexuality and desire do you wish were more prevalent in our communities? We’ve done the event twice now, and found it to be a really enlightening and healing community experience. 

 

WM: What was your personal sex education experience, and what do you wish it was? 

Senti Sojwal: Like a lot of South Asians, I didn’t really get any sex ed at home. Sexuality was sort of villainized and also incredibly mysterious. I grew up with a lot of shame around sexuality that I had to unlearn, and I want to be clear that not all of that stems from an immigrant upbringing; we live in wildly sexist culture at large. I was lucky to go to good public schools in New York, where I at least received the bare minimum of instruction in terms of condom use and distribution and information about STIs. But this is far from comprehensive. Every person deserves real sex ed from a young age. This means sexuality education that is inclusive, non-shaming, compassionate, and medically accurate. This includes information about queer sex, disability justice, abortion, PrEP / PEP, sexism, porn literacy, healthy relationships, masturbation, consent and learning / conveying boundaries, positive communication, and framing sexuality as a joy and pleasure as necessary. 

 

Salonee Bhaman: Like Senti, I really didn’t get any sex ed at home and I instinctively felt like I should know to be secretive about sex and relationships around my family. I went to public school in Los Angeles, and while I did receive a lot of comprehensive sex ed, the emphasis was often on the consequences of unintended pregnancy. I wish there had been less shame and judgement associated with becoming a sexual person in those early conversations. Even as children, we’re taught to discipline and monitor each other in ways that were really destructive. I feel like if young people have more space to share and ask questions, they can be empowered to make safer and healthier emotional and sexual choices for themselves. 

 

Rachel Kuo: Sex ed was nonexistent at home, and at school, sex ed was very much focused on preventing pregnancy and STIs.There was nothing about pleasure or desires and nothing about queer forms of sexual and romantic expression. I also feel like I never learned enough about my own body. In high school, I spent a lot of time at a community space called the Questioning Youth Center that allowed me to better explore and understand the breadth and depth of gender and sexuality and later gained experience in youth organizing through the Illinois Caucus for Adolescent Health, advocating for comprehensive sex ed. I remember my school locker being full of condoms, dental dams, and lube. I also got a lot of sex education from the Internet, learning about different forms of intimacy and kink. As Senti mentioned, I also wish sex ed for young people was more inclusive and also emphasized conversations around consent and boundaries. I wish we learned better ways to communicate our desires and that we had social environments that normalized open discussions about sex and intimacy. Having community events like the AAFC Sex + Love Talk Circle enables us to continue sex education, reminding us that our understandings about sex, our bodies, and our desires are ever changing. 

 

Tiffany Diane Tso: I learned about sex through television, reading, and illicit Xanga pages that I’d sneak onto when no one was looking. I grew up in suburban Texas, so my in-school sex ed was very abstinence focused and talked about things like broken hearts and virginity. 

 

WM: What are your relationships with your own bodies like? 

Senti Sojwal: A true blessing of getting older for me has been the adjustment in my relationship to my body. I don’t always do it perfectly, but I am learning to love and accept and celebrate myself in a way I just couldn’t when I was younger and more self conscious. Being sexy has so much less to do with your body than it does with your state of mind and your own ability to see yourself as powerful and worthy of desire. I think it’s important to relieve ourselves of the burden of always loving our bodies and acknowledge that body positivity can be exhausting. We might not always love the way we look every moment but we can love our bodies for being strong or taking us places or telling us important information about our emotional state. I think a lot of things about the way I related to my own body changed for the better when I began prioritizing my own desires over being desired by others. 

 

Salonee Bhaman: Complicated! Until recently, I’ve felt most at home in my mind and really distanced and disassociated from my body. I’ve been practicing yoga for about ten years and have really committed to my practice this year… it’s made a huge difference in terms of how at home I have started to feel in my body and helped me to be more in touch with what’s going on with it. 

 

Rachel Kuo: Despite having had access to spaces that have given me frameworks to develop a healthier relationship to my body, my emotional relationship with my body is really messy in ways that have been a barrier towards being able to enjoy, receive, and give pleasure. I’ve written in the past about my struggles with disordered eating and navigating body image as an Asian American feminist. Growing up (and still now), my mom expresses her love by reminding me to exercise and watch what I eat. It’s hard when this love gets intertwined with unhappiness about my body. I think where I’ve currently landed is pursuing whatever gives me and my body comfort and joy. 

Tiffany Diane Tso: I think it can be easy to forget that your body is your home for your entire life, and to treat it like so. I think I’ve felt my body sexualized and commodified beyond my control in the past, and sometimes that leads to a desire to dissociate from my own body. I still have a hard time keeping up with and remembering to do all of the things that take care of my body, nurture it, and make it feel happy, but I think I get better at it every year. I know that my body is my home and nobody else’s. It’s also the only one I get in this lifetime, so I should treat it as such. 

 

WM: How do you explore fantasy and desire? 

Senti Sojwal: I have been really moved by Audre Lorde’s “Uses of the Erotic” to consider sensuality and desire as creative forces for revolutionary change. Fantasy, desire, wanting, connecting, role play, imagination - these aren’t just elements of sex, they’re part and parcel of how we can imagine whole new worlds and ways of being. Audre talks about the erotic as a “true knowledge,” a powerful source of understanding, a pathway to joy and ultimately, revolution. In recognizing that eroticism is not just about what happens in the bedroom, but about cultivating a lived experience where we don’t constantly compartmentalize ourselves and our experiences, we live more freely. I think the most important way I’ve explored these ideas in my own life is by learning how important it is to do what I want. Honoring your sexuality is a radical act in a misogynistic culture. Women are criticized for everything they do or don’t do. So you might as well be having an orgasm. 

 

Julie Ae Kim: Years ago, a lover asked, “What do you like done to you?” and I couldn’t answer because I myself had not explored what I wanted. There is a narrative out there that we automatically just know what we want done to us and all people need to do is ask. But desires change constantly and so exploration never ends. Exploration of desire for me is a journey that I take with people that I love and trust. Being in a queer relationship means there were never rules to begin with and so everything was a discovery. From how to pleasure each other to multiple orgasms, the journey always surprises me with how there are always new things to discover. 

 

WM: In what ways have you seen this Sex Talk series impact the people who attend? 

Senti Sojwal: I’m sharing a quote here from a community member who attended: “It’s a blessing to be able to cultivate empowering feminist spaces outside of the pink hat (white) feminist paradigm that continues to erase my narrative. AAFC's Sex + Love Talk Circle offered such an organic invitation to shed my emotions, frustrations, lamentations, joy, and desires concerning my sexuality as a Pakistani-Muslim woman, without fear of judgement, misunderstanding, or the burden of explanation. One of the many things I shared was how during my first (late bloomer) experiences in sex, I was unable to open up down there for a very long time. It was a physical response to years of emotional and sexual repression, which was very alienating. At the talk I found I wasn't alone, that this is a common experience for many Asian and Muslim people with vaginas.” 

Another attendee said, “Hearing others talk about body image and gender identity when it comes to their fears in intimacy helps me remember that I am not alone when I feel painful confusion about how to love my body and view it as desirable. I remember that my queerness and gender identity are valid, despite my uncertainty in how exactly to claim or name them. Most of all, I remember that despite my preconceived notions, many of us are still yearning for the same things- love and compassion.”

 

Salonee Bhaman: I think women and femmes in a heteropatriarchal society have been socialized to protect some fictionalized inner domestic sanctum from outside eyes. I’ve noticed that as I get older and more of my friends are in monogamous partnerships, there’s a newfound reluctance to share the open and honest details of our sex lives with each other. It feels radical to be in a space where you’re asked to share what you’re experiencing and desiring without judgement or fear of over-sharing. I feel like everyone leaves feeling like their experiences are part of something bigger than themselves. 

Tiffany Diane Tso: For a lot of people, it’s the first time that they find themselves in this kind of space — a radically open, non-judgmental Asian American feminist space — or even talking about these topics out loud. I think what’s most important is that people are giving themselves the space to unpack their own sexuality and desire, and for many people the Sex Talk Circle is an entry point. 

 

WM: How do you take care of yourselves?

Senti Sojwal: Self care and community care are taking on new urgency in these times of social distancing and political / economic uncertainty. Things that are really helping me amidst all this anxiety are making sure I never go more than a day without a FaceTime call with friends, staying active to the best of my ability (goddess bless workout live streams!), limiting my news intake, and getting creative with cooking. Remembering: this too will pass, we still have each other. 

 

Salonee Bhaman: I’m working hard to be generous and gentle with myself, especially when it comes to my inner monologue. Like many folks, my inner tyrant can be really unforgiving when I don’t take care to dismantle some of her more insidious narratives. I remind myself that it’s okay to be tired, it’s okay to sleep in, it’s okay to read for pleasure, and that it’s okay to not have this whole social-distancing routine figured out yet. It’s going to take time. I’m trying to improve my routine every day by listening to my body. It feels really good to meditate and do yoga every day, even when I'm initially reluctant to start. I always pick up the phone when a friend wants to call. I need to work on not reading the news as soon as I wake up. It’s a journey! 

 

Julie Ae Kim: Reading lots of memoirs and fiction. Writing. Cooking healthy meals. Checking in with family and friends. Being in love.